you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
