Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
