Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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