At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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