I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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