I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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