my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
