I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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