I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
