Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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