put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
