DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
