I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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