atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
