im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
