Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
