This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
