I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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