I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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