You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
