i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
