I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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