Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
