I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
