FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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