Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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