Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
