but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
