my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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