I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
