i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
