A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
