Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
