Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize