So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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