we're chasing vodka with high fives
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
