and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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