I could have mohawked her pubes.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
