You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize