yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
