Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize