guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Welp...herpes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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