I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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