I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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