I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
