we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
