I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
