Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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