I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
