my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
