"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just pee around me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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