Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
