Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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