When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
