i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
