i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
