i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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