also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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