It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
