Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
