My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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