No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
