I wish I only lived at night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
