Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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